


Best Thirty Seconds Of My Life

by loquaciousEscapist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/F, Tentabulges, Threesome - F/F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 16:02:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/611627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loquaciousEscapist/pseuds/loquaciousEscapist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Porrim wants is to try and keep the rest of her people alive, and it's not helpful when people insist on getting into ill advised caliginous relationships. It's in everyone's best interests that she gets herself involved.<br/>Really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Best Thirty Seconds Of My Life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Piimify](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piimify/gifts).



> In the immortal words of Troll Lonely Island, it's not gay, if it's in a threeway. Except it is. So very gay.

Three sweeps is a long time to be spent doing nothing. At this point your planet is pretty much quest free (aside from the quests that you can do out of ‘the good of your heart’ – fuck that noise, if you ain’t getting paid, they ain’t getting aid), and the only way you could get any _more_ boonbucks is if you start selling your shit. Or stealing other people’s to sell, but you’ll cross that bridge when you come to it.

You're currently on your own on Derse, just ambling around aimlessly. You’ve spent most of your time with Aranea on Prospit, because the rest of the chumpy losers on your team aren’t worth your time (even if being a god means you have infinite amounts of that). Recently, however, Aranea’s got that maniacal glint in her freaky eye that means she’s hatching a plan – brilliant or insane, you have no idea, but she’s muttering something under her breath about ‘scratching’, and you get enough muttered obscenities from Megido, thanks.

Speak of the devil...

“Megido,” you say as you notice her lurking behind you. She does that a lot.

“はい、あなたは私の名前を叫ぶ。 ボールギャグをスルー。” She takes a long drag from her joint, and then blows it into your face – you splutter and wave your hand.

You and Damara go quite a ways back, and, when it comes down to it, you’d rather talk to her than most of your acquaintances. Granted this isn’t exactly a badge of honour when you know people like Vantas and Ampora, but there’s no need to tell her that.

“Look, it turns out that outta all our loser fronds, you’re my second choice to hang out with, so we should do somefin, idk.” With a proposal like that, there’s no _way_ she can turn you down.

“私はいつもあなたと一緒に何かをしたい。 ここではアイデアだ。 我々はお互いをファック乾燥する必要があります。” She waggles her eyebrows and licks her lips, staring unashamedly at your chest. 

“Did you just swear at me?” You ask, trying to replay what she’d just said in your mind – you shake your head. “Your accent is so weird, and that’s comin from someone who’s got and accidentally listened to fourteen unwanted mixtapes from Cronus in a box I’ve now marked ‘unsafe for troll auricular nubs’.” One time – _one time_ – you’d happened to mention that some music was ‘aight’. You’d been talking to Maryam at the time, who’d been telling you that there was a distressing lack of female fronted bands in the music industry. You’d been alone. Or you’d thought you were alone. Somehow Cronus had gotten wind of this offhand comment, and suddenly you were receiving tape after tape of him covering Troll Celine Dion with his weirdly affected v’s and w’s.

“私は彼のためにミックステープを作った。 私は私の解放を叫んでいた。” Damara snorts, drops her cigarette on the floor, and crushes it with her heel. “彼は、それが鮮やかであると言いました - 私は彼がそれを理解しないと思う。” She laughs again, and because you feel awkward not laughing at the joke, you laugh with her. After a few moments laughing at a joke you didn’t even understand, you realise you still haven’t actually gotten an answer from her. You put your hands on her shoulders and say in a loud, slow voice,

“MEGIDO, DO YOU WANT TO THROW ROCKS AT SACRED STATUES WITH ME - Y/N?” She shrugs – you can feel the bones of her shoulders click as she does so.

“確実なこと。”

***

The consorts on all of the planets have learned to avoid you and Damara when you’re both together, which is how the pair of you have come to be sat in a deserted courtyard on Rufioh’s planet (this was Megido’s choice – you choose not to pry), throwing rocks at a statue of Nitram his consorts’ had built. You wince when one of Damara’s lands right on his stone junk; she smirks.

“So...” You say awkwardly. “This is nice.”

“あなたも良いでしょうか知っていますか？ 私はあなたを猿轡場合。 私はちょうどそれについて考えて角質取得しています。” She bites her lip and waggles her eyebrows, before letting out a laugh. Then she gropes your butt. As this is relevant to where you’re attempting to steer the conversation, you let her keep it there.

“We should hang out more,” you continue, your rock falling short of the statue when Damara catches you by surprise and squeezes. “I don’t understand a fin you say, but we got a good fin goin here - like when you killed me.” She’d been especially brutal that day – obviously, she had ended up killing you after all, and the memory alone of when she’d pushed you up against a wall with her body... Well. It was a good memory.

“あなたの殺人は私に多くの性的な空想を与えた。” She smiles wistfully, passing her stone from hand to hand. You grin at her.

“I’m pretty sure that was you gettin nostalgic, so how’s about we make a go of it?”

“...あなたはスペードになりたいですか？” You stare at her confusedly – she frowns, and spits out “...WE... SPADES?”

“Sure!” You say, nudging her with your elbow. “Two girls like us? We could make the world kneel at our _feet_.”

“私はあなたの足元にひざまずくことができます。 あなたはとても多くの喜びを得ると思います。” She smiles and nods, squeezing your ass again – you yelp when she digs her nails in.

“I’ll take that as a yeah,” you say.

Damara disappears pretty quickly after that, muttering to herself under her breath in her incomprehensible accent. You lean back onto your forearms and grin stupidly at the wispy clouds – however, you aren’t permitted to be sappy for long. A bright, blinding white light appears, forcing your eyes shut.

“ _Fuck_ , Maryam, warn a girl before you go all day-glo on her ganderbubbles, would you?” The light dims, and you deem it safe to open them again – sure enough, Porrim is staring down at you, thankfully sans eye-burning glow.

“Sorry, Meenah, I assumed you would be used to the ‘day-glo’ by now,” she says, raising her eyebrows as she encloses her fingers around the words. “It has been several sweeps, after all.”

“Look, I know you know how to turn it off, so why walk round like some sorta hot, sexy angler fish?” She shrugs.

“Usually it warns people that I’m coming, but you seemed to be too preoccupied to notice.” She sits down next to you. “That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I couldn’t help but overhear-”

“BS, you hid behind one a the buildings and listened on purpose.” Porrim purses her lips.

“...Behind the statue, actually. One of the rocks hit me on the forehead.” You glance over at her and snort – there’s a jade bruise blossoming on her forehead. 

“All right, Merrygams, hit at it.”

“I don’t believe pursuing a black relationship with Damara would be beneficial – to either of you, actually.” It’s your turn to raise your eyebrows.

“Why not?”

“Well,” Porrim says, pausing exaggeratedly. “How about the slight issue of her having killed you once already? By very definition that implies you’re not suited to each other.”

“I came back, didn’t I?” You say grumpily.

“That’s not the point and you know it,” she says sharply; her face softens. “I just don’t think either of you are in the right frame of mind for a black romance, especially with each other and your, ah, _history_.” You waggle your eyebrows at her.

“Why Maryam, sounds to _me_ like you’re gettin all _ashen_.” She shrugs.

“All I’m saying is that Damara is not the most stable of trolls, and I’d hate to see you jump into a situation you can’t handle, just because you’re bored.” You puff up irritably, scramble to stand up, and glare at her.

“Oh yeah? Well, I’ll show you! Megido and I’m a have the best kismesissitude you’ve ever seen!”

*

The first week of your new caliginous relationship goes amazingly, purely because you don’t actually see Damara. This isn’t uncommon – with twelve planets, Derse, Prospit and Skaia to hang out on, you can sometimes go for weeks without seeing people, and Megido is a shifty person anyway; if she doesn’t want to be found, you can guarantee that you won’t find her.

You do, however, see a _phenomenal_ amount of Porrim – you think she has spies that tell her where you are, because she’s showing up _everywhere_. At first it seemed like sheer coincidence, that maybe she’d just chosen to go to Derse, Prospit, and then Skaia in that particular order. However, when you get a tip off about a large stack of boonbucks in the depths of Zahhak’s planet, and she just _happens_ to appear in the depths of one of the caves, claiming that she was ‘just going for a walk’, you get the feeling that something is most definitely up.

“No, I truly am going for a walk,” Porrim repeats, looking at you in a faintly guilty manner. 

“Down a dead end.” You point out, crossing your arms.

“Yes,” she replies stoutly.

“Look, just because I ain’t as wordy as you, it don’t mean I’m an idiot – spit it out.” You lean against the cave wall, but instead of solid rock you are met by nothingness – you fall through it and land flat on your ass.

“ _Fuckin motherglubber_ ,” you yell out, rubbing what will undoubtedly be an impressive fuchsia bruise later on, and standing up to survey your surroundings. Zahhak’s planet is littered with those little nothingness passageways, enabling explorers to jump around the labyrinth caves quickly and efficiently – assuming, of course, they have a map of the passageways, or a specialist knowledge of void. You have neither, so you have no clue where you’ve turned up.

“私は魚の匂いを嗅ぐことができると思った。” You whirl around – Damara is sprawled nonchalantly on the floor, leaning back on her elbows. “あなたは、あなたの足を閉じる必要があります。”

“What the shell are you even doing in here?” You ask, staring down at her.

“いくつかのプライバシーを必要としていた。” She looks at you pointedly –when you don’t respond favourably to her statement she rolls her eyes and performs a very rude gesture with her tongue and fingers. “私は角質です。あなたは私を助けるために予定がない場合は、オフに性交。”

“I got lost,” you say helpfully, sitting down next to her – she sighs explosively. “I was looking for stuff and fell through one of the fake walls. That’s how I ended up here.”

“私は本当にたわごとを与えることはありません。私をファック。” She leans back further, spreading herself out provocatively. She scowls at you when all you do is blink at her. “あなたはひどい黒ロマンスです。” She stands up in front of you, and punctuates each statement with a stab of her fingernail in your chest. “あなたとのセックスは、命題ツリーをしようとしているようなものだ。” Stab. “実際に、あなたは悪くなります。” Stab. “私は木のうち木製ディルドを作ることができます。” Stab. “私はあなたからディルドを作成することはできません。” She brushes her skirt off primly, and walks away. Before you can run after her, however, Porrim spills out of the wall and lands on your lap.

“Do you just lurk in the background whenever I talk to Damara, what the _fuck_ ,” you wheeze, massaging your ribs from where Porrim had crashed into them.

“I tried to follow you earlier, but I couldn’t find the exact spot where you’d gone through the wall, so it took some time,” she admitted. “Wait, Damara?”

“Yeah, my kismesis, remember her? Psycho girl, speaks with an incomprehensibubble accent?”

“You arranged to meet her here?” Porrim asks incredulously, looking around at your dark, dank surroundings. “I realise you are somewhat desperate and horny, but a cave? Really?”

“What? No, we didn’t arrange to meet here, I haven’t seen the girl in a week – you’d know that, you’ve been following me everywhere.”

“I have not.”

“Cut the carp, Maryam, and just admit that you’re so ashen for us the citizens a Trollpei are shakin their heads in sympathy.”

“Is it ‘ashen’ to just prefer that the remaining members of my species do not kill each other? Is it ‘ashen’ to look out for what are, effectively, the two strongest and most capable members of our team, who are practically our only hope for a last minute plan for survival? Is it ‘ashen’ to not want you two to kill each other?”

“Well, yeah.” She scratches her neck.

“I guess it is.” You roll your eyes at her.

“Alright, Maryam, here’s your chance to put your new found ash feelings to work – there’s somefin up with Damara, I need you to tell me what it is.”

“I’m a rainbowdrinker, not a mind reader, they're not mutually inclusive,” Porrim says irritably. “Have you tried talking to _Damara_ about it?”

“ _Excellent_ idea!!! While I’m at it, I’ll go have a quiet conversation with Leijon, it’ll go down a glubbing _fintastically_.”

“Just _ask_ Damara to speak in a more highblood friendly dialect, then,” Porrim replies, sounding somewhat exasperated. “You wouldn’t have this problem if you didn’t insist on pursuing a relationship with someone so obviously incompatible with you.”

“I don’t exactly have a lotta options,” you point out. “There’s twelve a us left-” you hold up all of your fingers, before you realise ten does not make twelve and flash up two – 10-2, one right after the other; Porrim obviously tries not to laugh. “Get rid a me, because as sexy as I am I’m just not black for myshellf. Get rid a all the boys on our team because they’re glubbin losers. That leaves five slightly less loserly peeps for my hot, sexy black affections. Aranea’s outta the question, Leijon and Pyrope annoy me in a really obnoxiously platonic way, and no offense? But I’m about as black for you as yo florescent skin. Leaving-”

“Megido. But that does not mean you _have_ to pursue a relationship with her, you know.”

“Yeah, but... I want to.” Porrim looks at you speculatively for about a minute, and then she sighs.

“I see I will not be able to dissuade you. At least promise me you will talk to her, to assure you are both on the same page as one another.” You nudge her with your elbow.

“I’ll have a feelings jam with the time witch, clam your rumblespheres.”

***

You aren’t the one who accidentally stumbles across Damara, the next time you two meet. Despite the several hints for privacy you’d left – three locked doors, a hired Dersite bodyguard, several motion sensor traps, and a huge sign in block capitals on your door saying ‘K-E-EP OUT OR IMA S)(OV-E MY TRID-ENT UP YO NOOK’ – she walks into your respite block just as you’ve gotten your hand around your tentabulge. You screech indignantly, the shock of her entrance causing you to inadvertently tighten your hand – you clench your lips together to prevent the moan in your throat from escaping. You take your hand off your bulge (with a glare of betrayal at your hand for good measure) and pull up your trousers. 

“Damara,” you spit out when you deem it safe to open your mouth again. “Get out.” She either feigns ignorance or chooses to ignore you, and gently closes the door behind her, coming closer.

“YOU ARE HORNY.” She says stutteringly, looking at you pointedly. “ME TOO. FUCK ME.” She’s within touching distance now, looking at your hastily pulled up trousers thoughtfully. You sit up on your bed and, for good measure, cross your legs to hide the hastily growing wet patch on your trousers.

“I – huh? Damara, you’ve been ignorin me for weeks, ya can’t just -”

“I HAVE BEEN HORNY. YOU HAVE BEEN STUPIDLY DENSE.” You’re kind of glad she’s trying to speak in your dialect, because the sound of her disdain would probably just get you closer to release at this point. “HAVE SEX WITH ME.” She runs her fingers very gently along your thigh, and you can only just feel it through the fabric of your trousers. “GOD TIER OUTFIT. WEAR IT.”

“You got some kinda fetish for that ugly ass get up?” You say incredulously. The look she gives you warns you to stop asking questions, so you quickly don the outfit. As soon as you have done so Damara straddles you, careful to keep her hips away from yours, and leans over to undo the buttons on your hood. Her fingers are quick and nimble, and she’s pulling off your hood before you can question her motives. She flips it over, grinning triumphantly as she clasps the tails in each hand.

“これらは完璧な手錠を行います。あなたは、リリースのための私に完全に依存しています。私がそう言うまでは、オーガズムはありません。” She shifts slightly, grinning. “私はすでに濡れてよ。” She waves her hand dismissively at your confused glance, and then says slowly, “TIE YOU UP?” The thought of her pressing down against you, and you being completely unable to do anything about it, gets you hotter than you’ll ever admit to anyone.

“Yeah, sure, yeah, go on,” affirmation after affirmation tumbles from your lips as she secures the tails of your hood to each of your wrists, looping the material around the head of the bed. As soon as it is tight enough for Damara’s approval, she runs her fingernails down your arms; you hiss appreciatively.

“あなたが汚い話をするべきだ。” she hisses back against your cheek, before moving slightly to pull your lower lip with her teeth. When she releases it, you can hear it slap against your teeth in the silence of your room. “しかし、私はあなたの声に耳を傾けることを望みません。決定、決定。” She bites again, harder this time, and drags her tongue against the nicks she leaves in your bottom lip. All you can do is moan.

She moves on quickly, using her mouth and fingernails to cover you in bruises and marks, pushing up your shirt to gain access to your torso and chest – she leaves a particularly large hickey on your right breast that makes you moan for five seconds straight – and it looks like she’s contemplating pushing down your pants to get to your nook and tentabulge when your door bangs open _again_.

“Meenah, are you all right?! I heard yells and I thought – oh.” Porrim blinks, and Damara shoots her a glare more suited for a handmaid of death.

“うん、ないたわごと。"OH".” Her impression of Porrim is actually quite accurate, and leaves you feeling quite bemused and weirdly turned on. “いいですか？” Porrim looks past Damara – you can see her mentally adding up the number of bruises and cuts on your skin, as though there is a perfect ratio of fuchsia blood to determine that something bad is definitely happening.

“Are you both... Okay?” She asks carefully, determinedly avoiding both of your gazes, the ‘o’ drawn out – you sigh explosively and try to sit up, the movement drawing Porrim’s attention to the misuse of your hard earned god tier hood.

“She’s ashen,” you say briefly to Damara, who raises her eyebrows incredulously. You turn your head awkwardly to look at Porrim. “Look, if we let you sit over there and watch to make sure we don’t krill each other, will you promise to be quiet and let Damara fuck me? She’s been teasin me for glubbin ages now. That good with you?” You finish with a glance back at Damara, who shrugs.

“他人の前で私のために必死のあなたは？パーフェクト。”

“I’ll just... Sit over here then,” Porrim says awkwardly, perching stiffly on your small polystyrene ball seat – you’ve never seen _anyone_ sit upright on that thing. You’d be impressed, if Damara wasn’t currently getting back to business by pulling your pants down slowly.

“Go _faster_ , I ain’t getting anemone younger here,” you say irritably. In response Damara lifts your left leg up and smacks the sensitive skin on the back of your thigh.

“地獄をシャットダウン。” she says abruptly, and you can parse her accent enough to know what she’s saying.

“ _Make_ me.”

She runs her fingernails down your bulge, and you howl in response.

“ベター。” She says smugly, watching as your bulge flushes the lines she scratched a dark pink. “あずき色はピンクから遠くありません。オルガスムの間、彼らは非常によく混ぜます。” She licks along each of the scratches, and you whimper – you’re so close already, and she’s barely touched you. “DON’T COME.” And she takes all of you in her mouth.

Vaguely you wonder why Porrim isn’t intervening, when you are so _obviously_ going to die from being too turned on. When you look over, your thought is quickly answered – Porrim is too busy looking more turned on than you ever thought you’d see her. 

“Enjoyin yourshellf, Maryam?” You pant out – maybe if you have a conversation with her, you can focus on not blowing like a whale all over Damara’s face, and _that_ line of thought isn’t helping in the slightest.

Porrim gives you a stiff nod, her eyes wide and dancing up and down your body. She looks like she’s about to say something, but just as her mouth goes to shape the first word Damara, without any prior warning, plunges her fingers into your nook, almost as though she feels like she isn’t getting enough attention from you, even though every nerve in your body is chanting her name.

You swear repeatedly, a deluge of filth that Damara would probably be proud of if she’d been paying attention, but she is too busy twisting her fingers and bouncing her head up and down.

“Megido, I’m gonna-” You don’t even get the chance to complete the sentence, as Damara uses her other hand to wrap around the base of your bulge tightly, rendering you unable to orgasm. She pulls away, a thread of your genetic material attached to her lip, hitches her skirt up, and lines your hips up, before pushing her flushed bulge into your nook.

Your fingers have never really done this whole thing justice.

“Move then,” you bite out – Damara responds by draping herself lavishly across you, kissing you _oh_ so gently and sweetly, and you have honestly never hated her more than now, buried deep in you and doing nothing more than pecking you like a kissing gourami. “I’m gonna _krill_ you.” She strokes your face with her finger.

“あなたの目は海のようなものです。”

“Porrim, _do_ somefin, she’s dry-fin me cray-sea!” Porrim finally gets herself moving again, coming up behind Damara and doing something with her hand that makes Damara buck in surprise. “ _Fuck_ , do that again.”

“はいファック。” You can’t see what Porrim is doing, all you can see is Damara panting on top of you, but you can certainly feel the effects of it, and it doesn’t take much of it before Damara is coming inside you – you whine in frustration.

“Damara,” Porrim says softly, bringing her face close so you can see both of them together, their faces side by side – Damara with heavily lidded eyes and Porrim with an almost cocky grin. “You need to let go of Meenah, you need to let her come.”

“BEG.” You’re pretty damn sure she’s not talking to Porrim, and you don’t even care anymore, if you need to beg to get what you want, so be it. 

“Please, Damara, I need to, I have to-” Your eyes close, so you’re not sure if Damara decides to let go of your bulge or if Porrim forces her to, but suddenly there’s a rush of pleasure, and you’re coming everywhere – you open your eyes to see you’ve managed to cover the three of you.

“Perhaps, if we decide to do this again,” Porrim says weakly, “we should remove our clothes, to avoid unwanted stains.” She leans over and unties you. “Fortunately I happened to be wearing black, but I do believe your god tier outfit might be unsalvageable.” The formerly beige of your outfit is a myriad of fuchsia and maroon, and – yes, that’s some jade on it, too.

“Maryam, please, did you ever see me wear this fuckin ugly get up anyway?”

“我々はそれを絞り染めする必要があります。私たちのオーガズムを使用。” Damara flops down on top of your stomach – you half expect her to start smoking a cigarette. 

“You could keep it for... Special occasions,” Porrim says – you sit up, dropping Damara onto your thighs.

“You suggestfin we make this a regular thing?” You ask – Porrim shrugs. Damara shrugs. You shrug.

You’re not sure how your mutual shrugging immediately led to you pinning Damara to the wall with your forearm and refusing to make out with her for five minutes as recompense for her not letting you come, but maybe your odd relationship can work out after all.

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry to anyone who can speak Japanese for butchering the language - I relied entirely on Google Translate, skewing with the words to make sure it translated into the English I needed it to translate to - by no means should you take from this that I can speak Japanese.  
> I really can't.


End file.
